Because I went to school in Holland, I didn't learn the names of any fish, birds or plants native to Finland, or any towns, cities or provinces, which every other Finnish kid would have had to learn off by heart. To this day I have no idea how to say northeast in Finnish (they have separate names unrelated to the words north, south, east and west) because I missed out on the nursery rhyme to help you memorise it. In order to make up for this lack of vocabulary in Finnish, I substitute with English words. Disoriented and punctual are two words, which I recently used in totally Finnish contexts, because I had no idea how to say them in Finnish. More than not knowing the words in Finnish, it's often about not feeling the words. I'll say things like "se oli niin confusing" (it was so confusing), because in my mind the Finnish equivalent is not as good.
Talking about feeling, one big aspect of being bilingual is that English is my emotive language. I tend to use English in situations where I'm nervous or insecure, because it's a constant. It's safe and familiar and I feel comfortable and confident in it. When I'm really upset about something totally stupid, I always imagine myself expressing these thoughts in English. When I'm angsty I can't even think in Finnish. It's weird, but that's just how it is for me. I often also say my hellos and goodbyes, thank yous and sorries in English. Even to customers most of the time, which is a bit weird (for them). I'm not making this up by the way; I have been keeping a list on my phone for a few weeks.
I am able to get away with my use of English in Finnish contexts, simply because almost everyone understands English here. Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm just trying to be cool, or showing off by using fancy English words - but it's not really something I can control. To some extent of course yes, I can make an effort to speak better Finnish, but people are lazy and for me, English is the quick, easy way out.
So I mentioned my sister earlier. The funny thing that happens with us is the code switching. If we're out shopping together and the sales person speaks Finnish to us, we might leave the store speaking Finnish, but in just a few short phrases, we're back to English through a change of subject. We even do it when we're texting. The funny thing is that most of the time our English would be incomprehensible to most native English speakers, mainly due to excessive use of Finnish terms. Many nouns are Finnish but verbs and their auxiliaries are almost always English. What is up with that? If someone wants to do a case study on us, I can send you all our whatsapp messages.
So what is my identity? Am I Finnish? Yes, but also no, not the stereotypical Finn. But who is?! Who really only uses Finnish with no loan words or anglicisms? Nobody, that's who. I've had to accept and embrace my bilingualism, cause it's not easy and it sure as hell ain't straightforward. Language and identity really fascinates me, so I would love to hear about similar, or totally different, experiences on the subject! Also, if you have any questions, ideas or other comments plz leave a message!
Peace and love,
Sini
